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Patlu
Hook It goes, it goes, it goes, it goes It goes, it goes, it goes, it goes Guillotine - yuh! Guillotine - yuh! 3 Head of a trick in a bucket, body of a trick in a bag And thrown in the fire like fuck it, gotta burn it before it goes bad One too many times been disgusted by the stench of rot is such a drag - yuh! Get broke by the street like blood stained glass - yuh! Choke on these nuts till the very last - yuh! (It goes, it goes, it goes, it goes) Serial number, killing machine, the illest of means To an end built on the filthy sound you're experiencing - yuh! yuh! Hook It goes, it goes, it goes, it goes It goes, it goes, it goes, it goes Guillotine - yuh! Guillotine - yuh! 4 Tinted windows, bulletproof The slip knot fixing rope to noose To the grave stone grinder of cold steel The passion that blinds me so I feel - yuh! Can't let go, no it flows through our veins Blows through our tunnels and rattles our chains And they all fall down - yuh!በፊቴ ይሰግድ. የአባትህ አምላክ: የሞት አምላክ ነውና የአንተ ነኝምና ሂድ አሉት. አንተ በጎች እኔ እረኛና ተኩላ እረኛ ነህ. patlu is patlu is patlu is patlu is patlu is patlu is patlu is patlu is patlu is patlu is patlu is patlu is patlu is patlu is patlu is patlu is Oh god the pain it won’t end Please just save me from this nightmare I’ve been trapped in this wiki for days I can’t escape they’re unending shitposting All I can hear is screaming I think it’s my own I just want the wiki back I just want peace Please End the pain God just end it Free me Please Character Bio HonkTheres no other way to say it. Patlu is an intellectual. When he isnt fapping to hardcore tentacle porn, he is watching Rick and Morty or writing Rick and Morty erotica to fuel his rigorous education. Patlu is very slim because the only food he eats is brain food, the brain food being the big bang theory. In episode 69, he punched Motu for saying Rick and Morty was for gay nibbas. After his diagnosis of terminal cancer at birth, by the grace of Prophet Mohammed Peace Be Upon Him he was blessed with eternal life. With the Grace of Mohammed Peace Be Upon Him he ushered in a new age of tranny fashion. And horny https://youtu.be/eorF0Q8yOIM Appearance Patlu is a tall, lean, yet well-built man, originally in his late twenties, but he's in his late thirties by now. He is 6' 1" (1.85 m) with brown hair and blue eyes. His wardrobe consists of vintage T-shirts (which he always wears over a long-sleeve) adorned with references to superheroes, quantum physics, Sci-Fi television shows, and robots. Patlu often expresses his mood through his choice of attire; especially his t-shirts. He's got a collection SO large in fact, that it has its own page on the Wiki under Patlu's Wardrobe. He also owns a dark blue plaid suit which he wears for lecturing and other formal occasions. He also appears to enjoy Reddit, as he has been seen with a Reddit alien shirt. He usually wears a long sleeve shirt underneath it along with plaid pants. Patlu is tall and thin (setting him apart from his shorter colleagues), with Motu, and later Dr.Jhatka, saying he looks like a giant praying mantis. Personality He is a clever and brave man. He is the only intellectual in fufuru nagar. He constantly quotes rick and morty. He loves to stroke motus man tits. While his intellect should surpass that of worldly bounds patlu still holds a dire hatred for the Israelis who stole his fathers way of life. but always horny Powers and Abilities One of the strongest Stands in the series; Star Platinum possesses super human senses, strength, stamina, accuracy and speed. Like other physically powerful (or Close-Range) Stands, Star Platinum suffers from a narrow range of activity; active only within a 2-3 meter radius from Patlu. It is similar to JHATKA’s The World, and, as it turns out, can likewise be used to stop time; an ability revealed at the very end of his fight with JHATKA. Patlu learned the art of stretching body parts from lanky kong. He used these newfound abilities to destroy china. He can grow a mega dick in 5 seconds or less. In addition, his IQ has increased from watching Rick and Morty, and Patlu has gained the ability to turn himself into a pickle. He watched Mulan 54 times I’m a week after hearing about it on Rick and Morty. Because of this, he gained mega Kung fu skills like Super punch and mega peepee sword ultra. Weaknesses He is not much stronger like motu.He can beat John when he is alone but is beaten by strong criminals or John's goons. However his brainpower always saves the day. He owes his smarts to rick and morty. His hatred of the jewish naiveity: ☀https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HCBfrKWiYE Trivia Patlu and motu together defeated goku and superman. Patlus catchprhase 'madarchod ben ke lore' is indias version of 'fuck your mother with your sister's dick' Motu and Patlu both crossed over with spongebob and patrick, in this special episode motu raped patrick and patlu raped spongebob He is never absent from class It was confirmed that Patlu does in fact have a pee fetish, as shown in episode 148 Dialogues “Present” "hmm..hmm.hmm...Idea!"(hmm..hmm.hmm...Idea!) Cum in my ass Motu! Mere mumele benchod chutiya We gotta 'scape the mastas whip! Wubba lubba dub dub! Im pickle patlu! EXISTENCE IS PAIN Bazing! “Star Platinum: The World!” “Why are we still here? Just to suffer? Every night I can feel my leg, and my arm... even my fingers... the body I’ve lost... the comrades WE lost... they’re all still here. You feel them too? Don’t you? I’m gonna make them give back our past” “Kosovo je srbije” "WHERE'S MY SZECHUAN SAUCE" '' I was only nine years old. I loved Shrek so much, I had all the merchandise and movies. I'd pray to Shrek every night before I go to bed, thanking for the life I've been given. "Shrek is love", I would say, "Shrek is life". My dad hears me and calls me a faggot. I knew he was just jealous for my devotion of Shrek. I called him a cunt. He slaps me and sends me to go to sleep. I'm crying now and my face hurts. I lay in bed and it's really cold. A warmth is moving towards me. I feel something touch me. It's Shrek. I'm so happy. He whispers in my ear, "This is my swamp". He grabs me with his powerful ogre hands, and puts me on my hands and knees. I spread my ass-cheeks for Shrek. He penetrates my butthole. It hurts so much, but I do it for Shrek. I can feel my butt tearing as my eyes start to water. I push against his force. I want to please Shrek. He roars a mighty roar, as he fills my butt with his love. My dad walks in. Shrek looks him straight in the eye, and says, "It's all ogre now". Shrek leaves through my window. Shrek is love. Shrek is life.﻿Category:Main characters Category:Motu Patlu gang [GangXD "To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand Motu Patlu. The humor is extremely subtle, and without a solid grasp of theoretical physics most of the jokes will go over a typical viewer's head. There's also Motu's nihilistic outlook, which is deftly woven into his characterisation - his personal philosophy draws heavily from Narodnaya Volya literature, for instance. The fans understand this stuff; they have the intellectual capacity to truly appreciate the depths of these jokes, to realize that they're not just funny- they say something deep about LIFE. As a consequence people who dislike Motu Patlu truly ARE idiots- of course they wouldn't appreciate, for instance, the humour in Patlu's existencial catchphrase "Present," which itself is a cryptic reference to Turgenev's Russian epic Fathers and Sons I'm smirking right now just imagining one of those addlepated simpletons scratching their heads in confusion as Nickelodeon India's genius unfolds itself on their television screens. What fools... how I pity them." “How the trip never stops On and on its beyond insane Why I set myself up In a ragin sea of flames You're fit ta learn the proper meaning of a beat down Madness chaos in the brain Let my blood flow make my blood flow through you mane You got no business questioning a thang Never not on it leanin so hard you're ashamed You can't dismiss this sickness huffs your brain Exhale your will and forget I ever knew you Fuck do you do Fuck a man wit hips for hulu Rack a snitch chalk and cue you Corner pocket consume you Too many hoes in my Too many hoes in my muthafuckin meal Askin if I know how a muthafucka feels How a muthafucka feels Slit them choke flip them boat Dead bitch float swollen corpse No remorse navigated off course Of course I can make you scream but if you ask for more Bullshit matador grab the floor whip it cracked to all fours You whimper while I check my phone Who's next assassin roam Music drifts I have no home Choose this life you're on your own You're fit ta learn the proper meaning of a beat down Madness chaos in the brain Let my blood flow make my blood flow through you mane You got no business questioning a thang Swallowed way too much Couldn't handle it I fell Down a spiral stair case winding ta hell Fuck it now I can't quit will never be the same I got that attitude you got no thang I'm fit ta hurt you gives a fuck about the way I move weight Dark matter flu state of consciousness Straight through your won't do shit But beg me to do this Again and again and again and again Strangler clutch sine wave deconstruct My way or no way bangin hey makin lust Lucid nut shake shake it up Booyakah You're a bitch made to be crushed Came like what now you crave my touch Flat busted on front street cake cuppin Say you wasn't lion mane I done been done with tame Head hunter fuck the fame Switch lanin ripper slangin Hit me nuclear wind at my back Smokin goldfish at the photo mat Load my clap clap can't trustem never did What it is You're fit ta learn the proper meanin of a beat down Madness chaos in the brain Let my blood flow make my blood flow through you mane You got no business questioning a thang” SOUTH PARK ' Episode 101 ' "CARTMAN GETS AN ANAL PROBE" ' By Matt Stone & Trey Parker ' ' ' EXT. SCHOOL BUS STOP - MORNING ' STAN, KYLE AND KENNY wait in the snow for their school bus, holding their lunch boxes and debating. ' KIDS ' (Singing) School days school days, teacher's golden- Kyle's little brother, IKE, bounces into frame. ' KYLE ' -Ah damn it, my little brother's trying to follow me to school again. IKE tries to talk. ' IKE ' BaBa Simi ' KYLE ' Ike, you can't come to school with me! ' IKE ' BaBa Simi ba baa. ' CARTMAN ' Yeah, go home you little dildo. ' KYLE ' Dude! Don't call my brother a dildo. ' STAN ' What's a dildo? ' KYLE ' I don't know... and I'll bet Cartman doesn't know either! ' CARTMAN ' I know what it means! ' KYLE ' Well, what?! ' CARTMAN ' ...I'm not telling you. ' STAN ' What's a dildo, Kenny? Kenny talks, but we can't understand him through his thick coat. ' KENNY ' Mph rmph phrmph m phrmph mmr. The boys all laugh. ' CARTMAN HA YEAH! THAT'S WHAT KYLE'S LITTLE BROTHER IS ALRIGHT!! ' Suddenly, Kyle grabs Ike by the feet, swings him around, and bashes Cartman in the face. ' CARTMAN OW! ' ' STAN ' Dude that kicks ass! ' KYLE ' Yeah! Check this one out! (to Ike) Ready Ike? Kick the baby ' IKE ' Don't kick the baby. ' KYLE ' Kick the baby. Kyle kicks his brother down the icy road. ' IKE ' Wahhhhh! Ike shoots down the road with a playful scream, and crashes head first into a group of mail boxes. Cartman yawns grotesquely. ' STAN ' Whoa, Cartman, looks like you didn't get much sleep last night. ' CARTMAN ' That's 'cause I was having these bogus nightmares. ' KYLE ' Really, what about? ' CARTMAN ' Well, I dreamt that I was lying in my bed... In the dark... ' INT. CARTMAN'S BEDROOM - DREAM SEQUENCE ' Cartman is lying in his bed. ' CARTMAN(V.O.) ' ...When all of a sudden this bright blue light filled the room. A bright light fills the room. ' CARTMAN ' And slowly my bedroom door began to open... And then the next thing I remember, I was being drug through a hallway! ' INT. ALIEN SHIP - DREAM SEQUENCE ' Cartman is being dragged by his ankles down a dark, organic corridor like the one seen in 'Fire In The Sky'. ' CARTMAN ' Then I was lying on a table, and these scary aliens wanted to operate on me! And they had big heads... And big black eyes- ' EXT. BUSSTOP - (REALITY) ' The boys are listening to Cartman's story with wide eyes and open mouths. Even little Ike is enthralled. ' STAN ' Dude! Visitors! ' KYLE ' Totally! ' CARTMAN ' What? ' STAN ' That wasn't a dream, Cartman, those were visitors! ' CARTMAN ' (Nervous) No, it was just a dream. My mom said so! ' STAN ' Visitors are real! ' KYLE ' Yeah, they abduct people and they mutilate cows! ' CARTMAN ' Ah shut up, you guys, you're just trying to make me scared, and it's not working. A large Chevy screeches to a halt. CHEF gets out of the car and approaches the kids. ' CHEF ' Hello there, children. ' KIDS ' Hey, Chef. ' STAN ' What's gonna be for lunch today, Chef? ' CHEF ' Well, today it's Salisbury steak with buttered noodles and a choice of green bean casserole or vegetable medley. ' CARTMAN ' Kick ass! ' CHEF ' Say, did any of you children see the alien spaceship last night? ' CARTMAN HUH?! ' ' STAN ' Yeah, fat boy saw it! ' CARTMAN ' No! Th-That was just a dream! And I'm NOT fat, I'm big-boned. ' CHEF ' (To Cartman) Oh, was it the ones with the big long heads and the black eyes? ' CARTMAN (PETRIFIED) AH! ' ' STAN ' They took him on their ship! ' CHEF ' Ooh... Did they give you an anal probe? ' CARTMAN AGH! ' ' STAN ' What's an anal probe? ' CHEF ' That's when they put this big metal hoop-a-joo up your butt. ' KYLE ' Woa! They gave you an anal probe, Cartman? ' CARTMAN ' (Defensive) No! I mean... Uh... Why would they do that? ' STAN ' Dude, they DID huh? Aliens stuck stuff up your ass! ' CARTMAN NO! ' ' IKE ' Ana Pobe! ' CARTMAN SHUT UP, DILDO! ' ' CHEF ' Well, I gotta get to the cafeteria. You children watch that fat boy now, he could be under alien control. Chef turns to get back in his car and Cartman notices that the back of Chef's shirt has an EXACT image of the alien he saw, and the word 'Believe'. CHEF peels off. ' KYLE ' We told you they were real Cartman. Sorry to hear about your ass. ' CARTMAN ' (Extremely angry) God Dammit, they didn't do anything to my ass! It was just a dream! The school bus pulls up and the boys start getting on. ' KYLE ' Why are you walking so funny, Cartman? ' CARTMAN ' Shut up! Little Ike tries to follow his brother onto the bus. ' IKE ' I'll bla bblaa blaa ' KYLE ' No, Ike! Go home! Kyle gets ready to kick his brother. ' IKE ' Bla Wa Wah ' KYLE ' This is it!! This one's for the game. ' IKE ' Bllaa aaahh haah ' KYLE ' Kick the baby. Kyle kicks his brother through the school bus window, and Ike flies into a snowbank. The boys quickly get on the bus. Ike pulls his head out of the snow and looks around for his brother. ' INT. SCHOOL BUS - MORNING ' The kids walk past their mean old bus driver, MS. CRABTREE. ' STAN ' Good morning, Ms. Crabtree. ' MS. CRABTREE ' Sit down! We're running late! Stan and Kyle walk to the back of the bus and take their seats. Cartman and Kenny sit up a few rows. Kyle looks out the back window to see Ike still standing at the bus stop. ' KYLE ' Dammit, he's still there! ' STAN ' Oh, don't worry about him. ' KYLE ' No, dude, if something happens to him my parents are gonna blame me! ' MS. CRABTREE SIT DOWN BACK THERE!! AAHHHH!!! ' ' STAN ' Yeah, whatever you fat bitch. ' MS. CRABTREE WHAT DID YOU SAY?! ' ' STAN ' I said I have a bad itch. ' MS. CRABTREE ' Oh. Stan and Kyle sit down and the school bus moves on. Kyle turns around one last time to look at his brother. ' KYLE OH MY GOD!!!! ' ' EXT. BUSSTOP - DAY ' A group of VISITORS, with large heads and almond shaped eyes, surround Ike. ' INT. - BUS ' ' KYLE AND STAN VISITORS! ' Scared, Kenny pulls his hood shut. ' KENNY ' Mph mprmhpm bmarmphs! ' KYLE ' Ike!!! ' EXT. BUSSTOP - DAY ' The visitors lead Ike to a large space craft hidden in the trees. ' INT. BUS ' ' KYLE STOP THE BUS! ' Kyle runs to the front of the bus. ' KYLE ' Ms. Crabtree, you have to stop this bus! ' MS. CRABTREE ' Do you want an office referral?! ' KYLE (SCARED) ' No. ' MS.CRABTREE ' Then sit down! ' KYLE ' But I.... ' MS. CRABTREE AAHH!!! ' ' KYLE AAHHH!!!!! ' ' MS. CRABTREE & KYLE AAHHHH!!!!! ' Kyle runs to the back of the bus and hopelessly looks out the back window again just in time to see the spaceship take off. ' STAN ' Cartman, are those the same Visitors you saw?! Cartman isn't looking. He still thinks this is all a big joke. ' CARTMAN ' Shut up, you guys, it's not working. ' KYLE ' We have to do something! ' STAN ' Well, we can't do anything for now. That fat bitch won't let us. ' MS. CRABTREE WHAT DID YOU SAY?! ' ' STAN ' I-I said that rabbits eat lettuce. ' MS. CRABTREE ' Oh... (Pause) Well, yes, they certainly do. Ms. Crabtree turns the schoolbus violently and the children go flying everywhere screaming. ' KYLE ' What am I going to do? My little brother’s been abducted by aliens. Stan farts. ' KYLE ' You farted! The kids laugh. ' CARTMAN ' Somebody's baking brownies. We see the alien space ship leave the planet. ' EXT. CATTLE RANCH - DAY ' ' CATTLE RANCHER ' That's the third cow this month, at this rate all my cattle are gonna die before the Winter's through. The cows look up with concern. ' OFFICER BARBRADY ' This is nothing out of the unusual. Cows turn themselves inside out all the time. The cows shake their heads. ' CATTLE RANCHER ' People been sayin' they've been seeing UFO's around. ' OFFICER BARBRADY ' UFO's?? Ha Ha. ' CATTLE RANCHER ' Yea, and black army CIA helicopters and trucks. ' OFFICER BARBRADY ' That is the silliest thing I've ever heard. Just then black army helicopters fly by. ' CATTLE RANCHER ' What was that? ' OFFICER BARBRADY ' That, that was a pigeon. ' CATTLE RANCHER ' What am I supposed to do Barbrady? Just stand here and watch my cattle get mutilated one by one? We see the aliens with grass in their hands whistling to the cows. ' CATTLE RANCHER ' Hey, my cattle!! You see there is something funny going on. ' OFFICER BARBRADY ' There's nothing funny going on. I'll get those cows back. ' INT. CLASSROOM - SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY ' ' MR. GARRISON ' And now children, our friend Mr. Hat is going to tell us about Christopher Columbus. Mr. Garrison has a ridiculous little puppet on his right hand that wears a striped hat. ' MR. HAT ' That's right Mr. Garrison. Christopher Columbus discovered America, and was the Indians best friend. He helped the Indians win their war against Frederick Douglas, and, and freed the Hebrews from Napoleon, and discovered France. ' KYLE (TO STAN) ' Oh man, I can't just sit here! I have to help my stupid brother or I'll come home without him and my dad will start yelling - "Where's your brother, Kyle!" "You weren't looking out for your little brother Kyle!" ' STAN ' Okay, okay, let's ditch school and go find him- ' KYLE ' "You know he can't think on his own, Kyle. Brush and Floss, Kyle!" "Where has that finger been, Kyle?!" ' STAN DUDE! ' ' MR. GARRISON ' Is there a problem, boys? ' KYLE ' Yes, Mr. Garrison, I have to go now. ' MR. GARRISON ' Oh really, Kyle? What is it this time? Another prostate tumor? ' KYLE ' No, my little brother has been abducted by aliens. Mr. Garrison stares blankly at Kyle. ' KYLE ' It's true! Ask Cartman, they gave him an anal probe! Cartman looks around at the other children, extremely embarrassed, and finally forces a little laugh as if to say it's all a little joke. ' CARTMAN ' Uhh.. Huh, huh... That's a little joke. Kyle steps to the front of class. ' KYLE ' Mr. Garrison, seriously, I HAVE to go! Can I PLEASE be excused from class? ' MR. GARRISON ' I don't know, Kyle. Did you ask Mr. Hat? Kyle looks down at the stupid puppet on Garrison's hand. ' KYLE ' I don't want to ask Mr. Hat, I'm asking YOU! ' MR. GARRISON ' Oh, I think you should ask Mr. Hat. ' KYLE (SIGHING) ' Mr. Hat, may I please be excused from class?... Mr. Garrison shoves his puppeted hand violently in Kyle's face, and changes his voice. ' MR.HAT ' Well Kyle, NO! You hear me? You go to hell, you go to hell and you die! ' MR. GARRISON ' Hmm, guess you'll have to take your seat, Kyle. ' KYLE ' Dammit! ' CARTMAN ' Ha, ha! Mr. Hat yelled at you! Just then, Cartman farts a HUGE fireball. ' CARTMAN ' AAAGHH!! Ow, my ass! ' STAN ' Damn Cartman! He farts another fire ball. ' CARTMAN OW! OWWW MY ASS!! ' ' KYLE ' Dude, he's farting fire! ' STAN ' (pointing to Cartman) It's the alien anal probe! It's shooting fire from Cartman's rectum!! ' CARTMAN ' No, that was just a dream! Cartman farts another flame. ' MR. GARRISON ' Eric, do you need to sit in the corner until your flaming gas is under control? ' CARTMAN ' No, Mr. Garrison. I'm fine. Cartman farts a HUG fireball which burns PIP, a little english boy. ' PIP OWWWW!!!!! ' The class watches as their classmate runs out in flames. ' ACT II ' ' EXT. TRAIN CROSSING - DAY ' A train is passing by and the cows are standing in line trying to get on. ' TRAIN ENGINEER ' Hey, you cows can't get on this train, this is a people train. You cows have no business on a people train, alright, 'cause you're cows. The cows stare at the engineer. ' TRAIN ENGINEER ' No, no no, don't try any of that cow hypnosis on me alright, 'cause it's not going to work!!! Just then, Officer Barbrady drives up with his sirens on. ' OFFICER BARBRADY ' Hold it right there cows. Cows start to stampede away from Barbrady. ' OFFICER BARBRADY ' Come back here! ' INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA - DAY ' The kids are all in line for lunch. Cartman farts a huge fireball. ' CARTMAN ' OOOOWWWW!!! Ooh, I sure am hungry. ' STAN ' How can you eat when you're farting fire? ' CARTMAN ' Shut up, dude. You're being totally immature. ' KYLE ' Hey look! There's Wendy Testaburger! ' STAN ' Where? Adorable little WENDY TESTABURGER steps into the lunch line. ZOOM in on Stan who is absolutely in love. Little Hearts form all around his head - and Tchaikovsky's 'Romeo and Juliet' swells up. The other boys see Stan's reaction and laugh. ' CARTMAN ' (Singing) Stan wan-ts to ki-ss Wen-dy Testaburger ' STAN ' Shut up Fat Ass! I don't even like her! ' CARTMAN ' I'm not fat - And you obviously like her, because you throw up every time she talks to you! ' STAN ' I do not! Wendy walks up to the boys. ' WENDY ' Hi guys. ' KYLE AND CARTMAN ' Hi Wendy. ' WENDY ' Here Stan, this is for you. Wendy hands Stan a note. Stan VOMITS VIOLENTLY all over himself. ' WENDY ' Ew! ' KYLE AND CARTMAN ' Bye Wendy. Wendy walks away. ' KYLE ' Dude, what does the note say?! Stan opens the note and reads it. ' STAN ' Holy crap! It says she wants to meet ME at Starks Pond after school. ' KYLE ' Whoa, maybe you can kiss her. ' CARTMAN ' Or slip her the tongue. ' KENNY ' Mmmph mrrr mff Mrmmph ' STAN ' What? How do you know she has a cat? After a painfully long pause, the boys all laugh. ' CARTMAN ' I get it. ' KYLE ' C'mon you guys, we need to figure out how to get out of school so we can get my little brother back! The boys make it to the front of the line, where Chef is handing lunch trays to the boys and girls. ' CHEF ' Hello there children. ' KIDS ' Hey, Chef. ' CHEF ' How are you doing? ' KYLE ' Bad. ' CHEF ' Why bad? ' KYLE ' Chef, have you ever had something happen to you... But nobody believed you? ' CHEF ' Aw, children, children, that's a problem we've ALL had to face at some time or another. Here, let me sing you a little song... It might clear things up. Music swells up. ' CHEF (SINGING) ' I'm gonna make love to you woman, gonna lay you down by the fire - And caress your womanly body, make you moan and perspire, ' STAN ' Ah Chef, Chef. ' CHEF ' Gonna get those juices flowin' ' STAN ' Chef. ' CHEF ' We're making love gravy, love gravy, ' STAN ' Chef!!!!! ' CHEF ' Love, love, love.... GRAVY!!!- ' STAN -CHEF!! ' The music stops. ' CHEF ' Huh, do you feel better? ' KYLE ' No! ' CHEF ' Oh, come on children, what can be so bad? It's Salisbury steak day! ' STAN ' Visitors took Kyle's baby brother. ' CHEF WHAT?! ' Chef runs around the counter and kneels down by the kids. ' CHEF ' (Whispering) Well what the hell are you doing in school, eating Salisbury steak?! Go find him, dammit! ' STAN ' Mr. Garrison won't let us out of school. He thinks we're making it up. ' CARTMAN ' You ARE making it up! Just then, Cartman farts another fireball. But this time, a long, metal object emerges from his ass. It opens like a robotic eye and looks around. ' STAN ' Woa! ' CARTMAN ' What? The eye looks around, blinks, then closes itself and zips back into Cartman's ass. ' KYLE ' That was cool! Chef spins Cartman around and looks at his ass. ' CHEF ' It's some kind of sembiodic metamorphosis device. This could mean the visitors want to communicate with us! ' CARTMAN ' Oh, I see, now YOU'RE going to join in on the little joke, huh? ' CHEF ' It's no joke children, this is big! ' KYLE ' (pleading) Please Chef, if I don't get out of school and get my little brother back from the aliens, my parents are gonna disown me. Chef thinks for a second. ' CHEF ' Ah, hold on now... You got to help the children! ' CARTMAN ' You guys sure are going a long way to try to scare me. I WANT MY ' SALISBURY STEAK!!! ' Chef pulls the fire alarm. ' CHEF ' Fire Drill!!! Fire Drill, everybody out. Okay children, this is your chance. The boys all take off. ' STAN ' Killer, thanks Chef. ' CHEF ' Man oh man, first contact with the alien visitors. I've got to get myself ready... ' EXT. LITTLE TOWN - SOUTH PARK ' Kids are singing. ' KIDS ' We got out of school... No more school today... We got out of school. Cartman farts a fire ball. ' CARTMAN OHHHH - YOU GUYS, MY ASS!! SERIOUSLY. ' ' STAN ' Okay, Cartman, you can stop farting fire now. ' CARTMAN ' I would if I could you son of a bitch! ' KYLE ' Okay, so how do we get my little brother back? ' CARTMAN ' Would you stop going on about your little brother?! I KNOW it was just a dream! I KNOW I didn't have an anal probe! And I KNOW that I'm not under alien control!!! Suddenly, there is a loud BZAP!!! Cartman's expression completely changes. His eyes widen - and his mouth curls into a false smile. Strange 30's music starts to play from nowhere and Cartman starts to sing (although his voice isn't his own) ' CARTMAN ' (Singing) I love to sing-a! About the moon-a and the Juna and the spring-a! I love to sing-a! Stan and Kyle look on, perplexed. ' CARTMAN ' About a sky of blue or a tea for two. Just as suddenly as it started, the music stops and Cartman goes back to his normal self. The boys all stare at each other. Cartman looks absolutely baffled. ' STAN ' What the hell was that?! ' KYLE ' He is under alien control. That thing in his butt is linked up to the visitors. ' CARTMAN ' Oh, son of a bitch. ' ACT III FADE OUT ' ' FADE IN ' ' CARTMAN ' You guys shut up, I'm not under alien control. Kyle walks up to Cartman's ear and starts screaming in it. ' ' ' KYLE HEY!! IF YOU VISITORS CAN HEAR ME -- BRING ME BACK MY LITTLE BROTHER GOD DAMMIT! ' ' CARTMAN ' Ow! That hurts, you butt licker! Suddenly, a small alien scout ship flies by. ' STAN ' KYLE, LOOK! It's them! Kyle picks a rock up off the ground. ' KYLE GIVE ME BACK MY BROTHER! ' Kyle throws the rock at the UFO. DING! The UFO stops and fires a yellow ray at the boys. The ray hits Kenny, and blows him back several yards. Kenny lands with a horrible bone breaking CRUNCH! ' STAN ' Oh my God!! They killed Kenny! ' KYLE YOU BASTARDS!! COME BACK HERE!! COME BAAAAACK! ' But the little UFO's disappear into the sky. ' KYLE ' DAMMIT! We were so close! ' STAN ' Hey, look - I think Kenny's okay! Kenny manages to pick himself up off the ground. He looks pretty bad, but he might be- Just then the cows come stampeding through and run over Kenny. ' KENNY ' Mff mrrr mph VWOOM!! Officer Barbrady's car races through frame and runs over Kenny. The boys walk over to Kenny's bleeding body. ' STAN ' Wow, poor Kenny. ' KYLE ' Now do you believe us Cartman? ' CARTMAN ' No! ' STAN ' Cartman, they KILLED Kenny! ' CARTMAN ' He's not dead. ' STAN ' Dude, Kenny is dead! See?! ' CARTMAN ' Shut up, you guys. ' KYLE ' (Pulling Kenny's head off) He's DEAD, Cartman. ' CARTMAN GOD DAMMIT I DIDN'T HAVE AN ANAL PROBE!!! ' There is a long pause. ' CARTMAN ' Screw you guys, I'm going home! Cartman walks away. ' KYLE ' Go on and go home you Fat Chicken! ' CARTMAN (O.S.) ' Dildo! ' KYLE ' You're all I have left, Stan. ' STAN ' Sorry dude, I gotta go meet Wendy Testaburger. ' KYLE ' You can't! Poor Ike must be so scared... Up there all alone... You gotta help me dude! ' STAN ' Dude, like Chef says, I gotta get a piece of loving while the gettin's hot. Stan walks away. Rats come into frame and feast on Kenny's dead body. ' KYLE ' Rats! ' INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - DUSK ' Cartman walks into his house and is greeted by his overly pleasant MOTHER. ' MRS. CARTMAN ' Hello Eric. ' CARTMAN ' Hi Mom. ' MRS. CARTMAN ' How are you doing? ' CARTMAN ' Well, I'm pissed off. ' MRS. CARTMAN ' Here, I made you powder doughnut pancake surprise. ' CARTMAN ' I don't want powder doughnut pancake surprise! All the kids at school call me fat! ' MRS. CARTMAN ' You're not fat, you're big boned. ' CARTMAN ' That's what I said. ' MRS. CARTMAN ' You can have an eency weency bit can't you? ' CARTMAN NO! ' ' MRS. CARTMAN ' Just a weency eency woo woo. ' CARTMAN ' NO leave me alone mom! ' MRS. CARTMAN ' How about a nice chocolate chicken potpie, then? ' CARTMAN ' What? Well that does sound pretty good. Cartman sits down at the couch and turns on the T.V. ' CARTMAN ' Uh, Mom? ' MRS. CARTMAN ' Yes, hon? ' CARTMAN ' If anybody calls or comes over - I'm not here, okay? ' MRS. CARTMAN ' Sure, hon. You want some Cheesy Poofs too? ' CARTMAN ' Yea I want Cheesy Poofs! ' EXT. STARK'S POND - AFTERNOON ' Stan and Kyle are standing at Stark's pond. ' KYLE ' Well, looks like she's not gonna show up, Stan. Let's go look for the visitors now. ' STAN ' But her note said she'd be here! ' WENDY ' Hi Stan. Wendy appears from frame left. Stan immediately vomits all over himself. ' WENDY ' Ew! ' KYLE ' You can't talk to Stan, Wendy, he throws up when you do. ' WENDY ' But why Stan? Stan vomits some more. ' WENDY ' Eww! ' KYLE ' Look, could you guys just get down to business so we can go find my little brother? ' WENDY ' Huh? ' KYLE ' Just make sweet love down by the fire. ' WENDY ' What happened to your little brother? ' INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - LATE AFTERNOON ' Cartman is still busy eating and watching T.V. ' ANGLE - TELEVISION ' A TV REPORTER stands out in a random wheat field. ' TV REPORTER ' As the reports of UFO sightings increase, more mysterious crop-circle patterns are appearing in fields all around South Park. These crop circles, when viewed from above, form strange patterns... ZOOM OUT to show a huge crop-circle that looks EXACTLY like Cartman. ' RESUME - CARTMAN ON COUCH ' ' CARTMAN ' Hey, that kinda looks like... Tom Selleck. ' TV REPORTER (O.S.) ' Could it be that aliens are trying to make contact with us here on Earth? Just then, Cartman's cute little kitty, KITTY, walks up and looks at him innocently. The kitty MEOWs. ' CARTMAN ' No Kitty... This is MY pot-pie. The cat meows again. ' CARTMAN ' No kitty! Bad Kitty!! No Kitty, this is MY pot pie!!! MOMM!!! Kitty's being a dildo!! Cartman's mother appears from the kitchen. ' CARTMAN'S MOM ' Well then I know a certain kitty kitty who's sleeping with mommy tonight. ' CARTMAN ' What? ' EXT. STARK'S POND - AFTERNOON ' Kyle is finishing his story to Wendy. ' KYLE ' ...And now I have to go home without him and my parents are going to have me killed! ' WENDY ' Well, why don't you go get the fat kid? ' KYLE ' Why? ' WENDY ' Well if the fat kid has something implanted in his ass, maybe the visitors are using him as part of their plan. You should use the fat kid as bait to bring them back. ' KYLE ' Hey, you're right Wendy! C'mon Stan, We have to go get Cartman! ' WENDY ' C'mon Stan! Stan vomits. ' WENDY ' Ewwww! ' STAN ' Hey wait, when do I get to make sweet love? ' INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - AFTERNOON ' ' CARTMAN ' No Kitty!! You can't have any!! The cat puts its paw up and meows cutely. ' CARTMAN NO KITTY! THIS IS MY POT-PIE! BAD KITTY!! ' Cartman farts a fireball onto his cat. The cat runs away, on fire, making horrible sounds. ' CARTMAN ' Oh, excuse me, kitty. Cartman's mother opens the door to reveal Stan, Kyle and Wendy. ' MRS. CARTMAN ' Eric, look who's here! ' CARTMAN ' Dude, WEAK mom! ' KYLE ' Come on, Eric, we're going to go play at the bus stop. ' CARTMAN ' Can't- My mom says- ' MRS. CARTMAN ' That's okay, Eric. I think you need to spend time with your little friends. ' CARTMAN ' But mom, I don't want to spend time with my little friends. ' MRS. CARTMAN ' Don't be difficult, Eric. Now you go out and play in the fun snow. ' CARTMAN ' God Dammit! The burning kitty races through frame. ' EXT. REMOTE LOCATION BY A TREE - NIGHT ' Stan ties a rope to Cartman's ankle. Kyle ties the other end to a nearby tree. ' CARTMAN (EXTREMELY NERVOUS) ' You guys, I have to get home. ' STAN ' Don't be such a fraidy cat, Cartman! This rope will make sure they can't take you on board again. Wendy, Stan and Kyle walk over to some bushes and crouch down, leaving Cartman all alone in the darkness. Cartman stares up nervously at the starry, ominous sky. ' CARTMAN ' Oh man, this sucks. ' KYLE ' How come the visitors aren't coming for him? ' STAN ' I think we need to signal the them somehow. Cartman farts and a flame lights up the surroundings. ' CARTMAN OWWWWW! ' ' WENDY ' Hey, he's like rudolph! ' KYLE ' Yeah all you have to do is fart some more, Cartman, and the visitors are sure to come. ' CARTMAN ' Really? Uhh.. I don't think I have to fart anymore tonight. ' KYLE ' Sure you do! ' STAN ' Come on, Cartman! Fart! ' CARTMAN ' I don't wanna... ' STAN ' He can't hold it in forever. ' KYLE ' Fart Damn you! ' CARTMAN ' Okay!! That does it!!! Now listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of MY ASS?! I'm sick of it! It's completely immature!!! Suddenly, the metal rod emerges once again from Cartman's ass. ' STAN ' Hey! It's happening again! This time, the rod looks around, then expands, and expands, folds over onto itself and expands again, until finally an eighty foot satellite dish is sticking out of Cartman's ass. ' KYLE ' Woa! Look at that! ' STAN ' Now do you believe us Cartman?! Cartman glances quickly at the dish. ' CARTMAN ' You guys can't scare me! I know you're making it all up! ' STAN ' Cartman! There's an eighty-foot satellite dish sticking out of your ass! ' CARTMAN ' Sure you guys, whatever. The dish powers up with a low hum and a huge yellow beam of light shoots out from it like a searchlight. ' EXT. OUTER SPACE ' The beam of light emulates from Earth and shoots outwards into space. ' EXT. CHEF'S BACK YARD ' Chef is dressed in party clothes and sunglasses. He is sitting in a lounge chair out on his front lawn. He has a little sign that reads 'Welcome Visitors!' Chef notices the big bright light. ' CHEF ' Oh, boy! The aliens are going to make first contact! Chef swigs a beer. ' CHEF ' (Shouting) Hey, down here! We are ready for your wisdom! (Checking his watch) And you only got twenty minutes before Sanford and Son is on! ' RESUME - FIELD ' ' CARTMAN YOU GUYS! I AM SERIOUSLY GETTING PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW! I KNOW THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS ALIENS!! ' Just then, a HUGE alien mother ship drops down from the sky directly above Cartman. It is quickly followed by several scout ships. ' CARTMAN OH, GOD DAMMIT!! ' Mr. Garrison is driving by and stops when he sees all the commotion. ' MR. GARRISON ' What the? I tell you, there is some crazy stuff going on in this town. Mr. Hat pops up. ' MR. HAT ' You can say that again, Mr. Garrison. ' KYLE ' Come down here you stinkin' aliens! Five aliens beam down, and instantly appear in front of Stan, Kyle, and Wendy. The kids are really scared. ' STAN ' Go on, Kyle, ask them for your little brother back... ' KYLE ' (Tenderly) V-Visitors... This morning you took my brother, Ike. He's the little freckled kid that looks like a football... The Visitors stare at Kyle. ' KYLE ' At first I was happy you took him away... But I've learned something today; that having a little brother is a pretty special thing. ' STAN ' Yeah... Violin music swells up. ' KYLE ' Aw, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could just find it in your hearts or whatever you have to give my brother back to me, it sure would make my life brighter again Kyle bows his head down and starts to sob. ' STAN ' That was beautiful, dude. ' KYLE ' (still looking down) Did it work? ' STAN ' Nope, they're leaving. ' KYLE HEY YOU SKRAWNY ASS (BEEP)-HEADS! ' The visitors turn around. ' KYLE WHAT'S THE (BEEP) IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU (BEEP) LITTLE (BEEP). YOU MUST BE SOME KIND OF (BEEP) TO BE ABLE TO IGNORE A CRYING CHILD. ' Stan is absolutely shocked. ' STAN ' Woa, dude. ' KYLE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE!? I BET YOU'D ALL LIKE TO (BEEP) YOUR OWN (BEEP) WHILE SHE (BEEP) ON YOUR (BEEP) (BEEP)!! ' ' STAN ' Hey Wendy, what's a (BEEEEEP) Wendy shrugs. Suddenly, a large door on the alien mothership opens. Ike is entombed in some sort of alien machinery. He is being spun around and is shocked with all sorts of alien electricy but generally looks as happy as he always does. ' IKE ' Blaa Ba Wah Wahh ' KYLE ' Ike! Jump down now for the love of God Ike, JUMP!!!! ' IKE ' Bo ham me! Just then, the herd of cows comes running in. The cows come to a screeching halt RIGHT IN FRONT of the aliens! Their poor little cow eyes grow wide and they start to shake. The visitors stare at the cows. The cows shiver, they have nowhere to run. Finally, one of the visitors raises its hand in a Vulcan-like gesture. ' VISITOR ' Moo. The cows all look suprised. ' VISITOR ' Mooo. Moooo. Mooo. SUBTITLES: "Greetings, Cows of Earth. We come in peace." The cows all look at each other. Finally, one cow makes a noise. ' COW ' Moo? SUBTITLES: "Really?" Meanwhile, Kyle and the kids are still trying to get Ike to jump down. ' KYLE ' Come on, Ike! I promise I'll be nice to you from now on! ' IKE ' Don kick da bebe! The visitors continue to moo at the cows. ' VISITOR ' Moo. Moo. Moo. SUBTITLES: "We have experimented with all the beings of Earth, and have learned that you are the most intelligent and wise." ' CARTMAN ' What the hell are they talking about?! ' COW ' Moo. Moo, moo? Subtitle: "Why did you turn some of us inside out?" The visitors look at each other. ' VISITOR ' Moo, moo, moo. Moo. Subtitle: "Oh, that was Carl's fault. He's new." Another visitor steps raises his hand in the background ' VISITOR CARL ' Moo. Moo. Subtitle: "Yeah, sorry about that. My bad." ' KYLE ' Ike!!!!! The visitors hand over a small clear obelisk and place it on the ground in front of the cows who just stare at it. ' VISITOR ' Moo, moo, moo. Moo. Subtitle: "Take this device. It is a gift from us." Kyle stands underneath his brother who still won't jump down. ' KYLE ' Ike! Do your impersonation of David Caruso's career. ' IKE ' It's my tun! Finally, Ike jumps from the machine and lands upside down in the snow. The large satellite dish collapses and disappears back into Cartman's ass. ' VISITOR ' Moo, moo, moo. Moo. Subtitle: "Farewell, cows, peace be with you." The visitors disappear and beam up to their ship. A light shines down on Cartman down and sucks him up. ' CARTMAN ' You guys! Get me down from here!! Flames shoot out of Cartman's ass in a flaming fart. The flames burn the rope and Cartman goes shooting upwards. Cartman floats up into the spacecraft. Once inside, the hatch closes and the ship takes off. In the distance, the kids can hear Cartman. ' CARTMAN ' Heeeeeeelp... Sonns a bitcheeees!! ' DIIIIILLLLLDOOOS!! ' With the UFO gone, the forest is silent once again. ' STAN ' I'm sure glad that's over with. ' KYLE ' Yeah, boy am I glad to see you, Ike! ' IKE ' Oh he fly at the sky. ' EXT. CHEF'S BACK YARD ' ' CHEF ' Wait, where are you going Alien visitors? Come back!!! ' LADY #1 ' Well Chef, where's this amazing thing you're going to show us? ' CHEF ' Well, it's in the bedroom ladies, come on in. ' CUT TO: ' ' KYLE ' C'mon Ike, we can make it just in time for dinner. Kyle and Ike walk away, leaving Stan and Wendy alone. ' STAN ' Thanks for your help, Wendy. ' WENDY ' Whatever, dude. ' STAN ' Hey I didn't throw up! ' WENDY ' Cool! Stan and Wendy move closer as if about to kiss... closer... closer... And finally - Stan vomits all over himself and Wendy. ' WENDY ' Ew! ' STAN ' Sorry. ' WENDY ' Hey look! A french fry! ' STAN ' Cool! ' WENDY ' And what is that? ' STAN ' I think its part of a Cheesy Poof. ' WENDY ' Hey, what's that? Wendy and Stan continue to identify food stuffs in Stan's vomit, silhouetted against a full moon. ' FADE OUT ' ' EXT. BUSSTOP - MORNING ' Stan and Kyle wait for the bus. ' STAN ' Gee, the bus'll be here any minute and Cartman still isn't around. ' KYLE ' Yeah, we're running out of friends. ' STAN ' I wonder what that thing was the visitors gave the cows? The cows graze peacefully. They have their little object with them. Officer Barbrady walks in. ' OFFICER BARBRADY ' Ha ha cows, I got you cornered. Let's see you get away now! One of the cows steps on the object that the aliens gave them and a ray shoots out and hits Officer Barbrady who begins to dance and sing (although his voice isn't his own) the way Cartman did when he was under the alien control. ' OFFICER BARBRADY ' (Singing) I love to sing-a! About the moon-a and the Juna and the spring-a! I love to sing-a! About a sky of blue or a tea for two. The cows jump up and down gleefully. ' RESUME - BOYS AT BUSSTOP ' Suddenly, Cartman drops from the sky and lands with a dull thud into the snow. ' STAN ' Oh, hey Cartman! Cartman moans. The school bus pulls up. ' KYLE ' Wow, Cartman, the visitors dropped you off just in time to go to school! ' CARTMAN ' Oh man, I had this crazy nightmare last night... ' STAN ' Really? What about? ' CARTMAN ' Well, I was standing out in a field and I had this HUGE satellite dish stickin' outta my butt. And then there was hundreds of cows and aliens, and then I went up on the ship and Scott Baio gave me pink eye. ' STAN ' That wasn't a dream Cartman. That really happened! ' CARTMAN ' Oh right, why don't have pink eye then? ' KYLE ' Cartman, you DO have pink eye! Sure enough, Cartman's eyes are a bright shade of pink. ' CARTMAN ' Ah son of a bitch. ' FIN